Healing Through Gaming

Today I was going to blog about something serious because today is a big day for me. Today I am buying a Nintendo Switch! Why tell you? Well, it's a long story so grab a cup of whatever you drink and read on. But I will warn you, that I will be talking about abuse. So if that is at all triggering for you, I understand that you have to move on. I won't be going into fine or gory detail but even mentioning it can cause emotional distress and I don't want that. Always take care of yourself.

Now, I am not sure if I am going to get the full boy or the Lite. Most likely the lite because it's less expensive and comes in cute colors, but I am doing it. The reason this is such a big deal is because several years ago I was in a relationship with someone I thought was my true person. I had showed them all of my flaws, and darkness and they didn't shy away from it. I held them in such high esteem because even though they didn't come from the same background as me, they didn't run from the not-so-pretty parts. My mistake was in trusting that just because they didn't run from me when I talked about it was that they wouldn't run from it if they had to experience it.

I've never hidden that I struggled with mental health illnesses. My conditions flare up and even though I do my due diligence now in taking meds when prescribed and seeing doctors and all of the things I am supposed to do, it doesn't keep it in check 24/7. I still have episodes and mood swings. I had a traumatic childhood that had adverse effects on me and I deal with it in the best way that I can. None of this was news to my partner. But in the almost two years we were together, they never had to see it. Until they did.

To be fair to them, I was unmedicated and not in therapy at that time. It is only now that I've been in therapy ever since that relationship ended that I see how truly toxic it was. You see, just like me, they loved to play video games. But their consoles were just that, theirs and not mine to play. "You have your computer, you can play on that." Sharing was not something they apparently learned and it didn't bother me in the moment. After all, they were right. I had my computer. So I immersed myself and hid within my computer game.

When I broke free from them I went and bought an Xbox and played all of the games they had but I couldn't play. Monster Hunter, The Witcher, Dead Souls, etc. I bought the Xbox specifically so I didn't have to buy the PlayStation, which is what they had. I was still avoiding triggers. But today I face one because I desperately want to play some Super Mario or Yoshi Story! It has taken me almost 4-5 years and though we have both moved on, there are still little pieces of myself that are hard to heal and that still gives me pause because of them.

I never realized during that time the things they said were emotional manipulation and abusive until it was too late. Growing up in a violent household you don't ever think that words are worse because you can't see it. The bruises and broken bones heal. Cuts scab over and sometimes don't even leave a scar. But I know where every wound was placed on my body. I am still finding wounds that were left in my mind.

For a long time that thought crippled me. That for the rest of my life, just like everything else that had been done to me, this person I loved and trusted will be another abuser. I think about them and wonder how did someone like me let it get that far? But the truth is, anyone, even the "strongest" person can be abused. It doesn't mean you were "weak." 

I avoided TV, Music and even video games for months after we broke up. Anything that might possibly trigger me into panic attacks. It took me so long to heal. I'm still healing. So today, on the eve of their birthday and in spite of all that, I will buy myself a Nintendo Switch.

I don't share this to brag or for attention for myself. I am hoping that in being an example (even if it's the worst example in the history of examples) I can show others that they aren't alone. That this is a struggle that a lot of people face and so many get through it so you can as well. Just work on healing yourself and hopefully you can find your way back to the things you love. Like me and gaming.